Retarded Poetry

Formula 1 Commentary

Thecoffeefiend — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 16:42:15 +0000

Martin Brundle’s commentary
Is usually about a Grand Prix;
He’s quite often wrong
When he goes on and on,
But DC will always agree.

Graduate Job

Thecoffeefiend — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 20:08:53 +0000

Look at me! Mr Graduate I am!
I done well in all my exams!
Now I gone and got employment
One what makes me have enjoyment.

I sit and type on a computer
Trying to be Captain troubleshooter,
But ’cause I don’t know nuffink at all
I look like a bloody fool.

They don’t care though, it’s all cool
It’s OK to be a tool, recall
I’ve only just got in the door
Give me a chance on the first floor.

My boss can see my screen from where
She’s sat, she’s literally there.
Best behaviour, no hentai
Or I’ll be saying my goodbyes.

It’s funny getting paid for sitting
Not cleaning things, stacking or lifting.
Doing something with my brain
Inside, and not out in the rain.

I’ll do my best to keep my job,
And not look like a complete knob,
But in my mind there’s something there
That says, “No chance mate, you’ll be cleaning shit and lifting shit,
Shifting grit and digging pits,
And basically back to normal, really.

RoboBlitz and the Total UNŸUN Apocalypse of the Distant Present

Thecoffeefiend — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 08:32:27 +0000

The Unÿuns are coming!
You’d better start running!
The sky is ablaze
With the bittersweet taste of
THE UNŸUN APOCALYPSE

They’re rolling through the street
Killing those with feet;
They steal your mobility
To cure their disability.

We used to make them fry,
Now revenge is nigh.
They were delicious with meat
Now we only taste defeat.

Watch out for that Unÿun!
It’s flying for your face!
It’s gonna burrow inside your cock
With incredible Unÿun pace.

…

Humanity’s last hope,
Jack Johnson is gone.
He robotted up
And now it’s fucking ON!
ROBOBLITZ

His acoustic is no more,
He’s more electric than before.
He’s got a massive laser
And a hydrogen-fusion core!

[Written with Jonny Pinder and Vince Campbell for Drive-By Blessings, then known as Hat Attack]

Haiku: Facebook

Thecoffeefiend — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 09:39:56 +0000

Facebook users are
Unbelievably stupid.
Rant, flame, hide, friend cull.

Learning Equations

Thecoffeefiend — Tue, 03 May 2011 10:25:55 +0000

Learning equations is a shit
It’s a task I’d rather quit
And once you’ve learned them off by heart
Using them is a whole new art

Wasting Votes

Thecoffeefiend — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 18:38:27 +0000

“Come on guys, lets waste some votes!”
Say the blokes in their blue coats.
“Let’s vote no in the referendum
And tell the others where to stick ‘em.
Their opinion is worth nothing
Leave their parties to do the cussing.
I don’t care if they don’t get heard
Our parties are what we prefer.”

Everyone votes for First Past the Post
In a vote that’s skewed more than most,
Receiving leaflets through the door
Telling us it’s AV to abhor.
“So you’re saying the winner doesn’t win?”
Cry the morons slowed with whisky and gin.
“What if the BNP get in?
It’s a shambles from within!”

Come on, now, are you that dumb?
We agree that they’re scum.
We don’t want them any more
Than some shit dropped through our door.
But the fact that people do
Is not ours to eschew.
Their opinions aren’t worth less
Than the ones that you keep best.

You have to learn to disagree
If you want democracy
And this scores points for the AV
Where things are sorted logically.
I’m fed up with wasted votes
And being stuck with these jokes,
A bit of thought and I’m sure you’ll know
That “Vote AV” is the way to go.

Windy Toes

Thecoffeefiend — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 12:11:00 +0000

When it’s sunny in the garden
Everybody knows
It’s good to wear some flip-flops
And celebrate with windy-toes!

The Penis of Knowledge

Thecoffeefiend — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 16:19:55 +0000

Once, I thought that science was love.
Gentle and narrow, a blessing from god.
Stroking and tickling, a feeling so good;
I want to encompass this beautiful rod.

Choosing to embark on a physics degree
Was a mistake that’s left me blistered and raw.
At first I thought it enthralling and fun;
I woke up each morning gagging for more.

The penis of knowledge is raping my brain,
Your lecture forces me open again.
The jizz of revision leaves marks on my mind;
This physics degree is so broad and unkind.

A bedroom should be a haven of safety,
But preparing for exams is dangerous.
So full of info, I’m saturated;
What once was good is now traitorous.

Thermodynamic spunk, statistical gunk,
Quantum juice and now I’m loose,
Electronic splatter and nuclear white-matter
Overflowing with this data produce.

The penis of knowledge is raping my brain,
Your lecture forces me open again.
The jizz of revision leaves marks on my mind;
This physics degree is so broad and unkind.

Get the fuck out!
Get the fuck out!
It’s tearing!
My brainus is tearing!
No stitches for consciousness…

Revision

Thecoffeefiend — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:56:43 +0000

CA tests are so fun,
Like a dildo up my bum.
Revising to pass complete,
In order to compete (in a competitive world in which it’s not just the grade that counts in a physics degree, but also the way in which you got the grade and how good it is in comparison to everyone else’s mark. A 2.1 would cut it as long as everyone else was getting a 3rd, but they’re not, so get that damn first!).

Caffeine

Thecoffeefiend — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:43:38 +0000

Caffeine in my bloodstream,
My body’s somewhere else it seems.
Time is going very slow;
Venti is the way to go.

Flitting around in my head,
A thousand colours, mainly red.
Make a wordsearch, not take notes;
I don’t care how the curve slopes.